Ever notice how you can buy the first edition of a product, or visit a brand new corporate website, and there's always a FAQ section? Do you scratch your head and wonder who has been asking these questions frequently when the product is brand new? Or, if people are frequently asking about problems with the product before it's even released, why doesn't the company answer the questions by fixing the problem before releasing it?
The answer is that management likes FAQ sections, but they don't know what the word means. So technical writers and web-designers have to come up with their own content. That's why, if you look close, you'll see items like this:
Q: Is it true that every single claim marketing made about this product is inflated to just under the line of fraud?
A: No. They got the price right, and the name of the company is spelled correctly.
Q: How many times during the development of this product were you told to "raise the bar"?
A: You would not believe.
Q: Why is this product six months behind the promised release date?
A: The Director of Product Enhancement decided that using resistors in our product sent out a negative message, and so everything had to be re-written calling them "circuit enablers".
This FAQ section is different in that the questions are those which frequently came up when discussing our trip. However, it is still an interesting question who is asking these questions. There was a national breakdown in questions. By and large, Canadians asked questions that revealed they were excited on our behalf (ie. "Can I come with you?") while Americans asked questions that revealed they were worried on our behalf (ie. "What will you do when all of your expectations are horribly dashed?") I don't wish to make any Michael Mooreish points about that, but it is interesting. Also, no one asked me if I thought I could stand travelling with Lori for a year, but she was frequently asked if she could stand being in close proximity to me for that period. No big surprise, I guess, but still. Couldn't they have at least had the courtesy to pretend she might be hard to get along with occaisionally?
1.0. What is a climbing hobo?
A climbing hobo is a person who doesn't work, just lives at climbing camps and climbs. Normally the term evokes the glory days of Yosemite when Lynn Hill and those of her class were making themselves into legends. I'm sure there were a lot of climbing hoboes who weren't all that good, but still didn't really want to do anything else. If not, we'll be breaking new ground!
2.0. Why are you doing this?
This was almost always asked by Americans, even those of an adventurous cast. It seemed there had to be some sort of explanation for such strange behaviour. I think this falls under "If you have to ask..." I mean, is there any reason not to?
2.0.1. Well, what about your kids?
We don't have kids.
2.0.2. Why not?
Two reasons. The first is that I hate them. The second is that they keep you from taking big adventures. They do this because they tie up your physical resources because they are so demanding in time, energy and money, and the second is they tie up your psychological resources because you're too worried about protecting your genetic investment to think about anything else.
2.0.3. But Lori wants kids, doesn't she?
No. She doesn't cringe when they come in the room, but she's worked with children all her life, and she knows the bite they take out of your time and energy.
2.2. What about your house?
We don't have a house. We have a crappy basement apartment with uneven floors.
2.2.1.. Why do you live in a crappy apartment when you can afford something better?
Don't get me wrong, I like the apartment. But is kind of crappy and the floors are uneven. Given the way we want to spend our money, it's about the best we can afford. Every time we've thought about getting a house we think, "If we have enough money to get a house, we have enough money to go do something cool." Our last downpayment sent us on a two week cruise of Greenland and Baffin Island. "Hmmm, which would I rather do, mow the lawn or see walruses? Decisions, decisions."
2.3. What about all of your stuff?
We really didn't have that much. The furniture has all been given away to friends or Goodwill, likewise the dishes and utensils. A lot of the books have been in storage, along with the Iron Monkey poster. The rest of the stuff we aren't very attached to.
3. Are your jobs waiting for you when you get back?
Heh. They can wait until Jesus comes again, for all we care.
3.1. But...but...
Hey, our jobs sucked. They were turning us into the sort of people we didn't want to be, ie, the sort of people who don't decide to be climbing hoboes for a year.
3.2. Well, my job sucks too, but you don't see me just abandoning it to go off and do something fun for a year, do you?
And you feel this says good things about you?
4.0. What is your iteniary?
We don't have much definite set. We start with a caving trip in New York, then visiting friends in Colombus, Ohio, then settling some family issues in Texas, then seeing other family in Minnesota, then friends and caving and climbing in Calgary, then a National Speleological Society conference in California, then visiting family in Colorado, then we'd like to get up to BC before things get cold. Then Joshua Tree for climbing in the Fall, and maybe Mexico for the winter.
4.1. Isn't that an inefficient way to do it?
Got a problem with that?
5.0. How are you two going to handle being in such close proximity for a year?
The frequency with which this question is asked is distressing. There is definitely something wrong with society when it is assumed that married people can't get along. You wouldn't ask people going on an extended honeymoon if they thought they could get along. So why would you ask people who have gotten along very well for twenty years? Freaky.
6.0. If you blow your retirement money now, how do you know that you won't end up old and bitter in some shitty retirement home?
I don't, but climbers generally don't worry about ending up in retirement homes. That cavalier attitude towards death bothers a lot of people, but think about this: would you rather have two scoops of ice cream you hate, or one scoop you really like?
6.1. It isn't that simple.
Oh, yes it is. It is exactly that simple. That's what makes it such a pisser.
7.0. Can I come with you?
Just like every American asked 'Why?' and no Canadian did, no American asked to join us, but almost every Canadian did. The answer is 'no,' but we'll gladly meet you at some caving or climbing spot.
8.0. What are you going to do for coffee?
This is another Canadian question. Those that know me know that coffee is a very important part of my life. And it is so hard to get good coffee in the States. We're starting the trip with two pounds of fresh roasted Ethiopian Limu and two pounds of fresh roasted Costa Rican Tarrazu. I don't know what we're going to do for the second week, but I'm already worried.
9.0. Will you be returning to Toronto?
Probably. We love Toronto. But if we find someplace cooler, we may stay. It's more fun to leave it open.
9.1. But you are planning on rejoining productive society at some stage, aren't you?
Actually, I haven't been impressed with how productive productive society is. If we can find a way to extend our hoboship indefinitely, we will.
1.0.Will you be able to survive without computer games for a year?
It won't be easy, but I'll manage.
2.0. Do you intend to be a geek on your trip?
Oh, yes. I intend to come back a better geek. Not every moment will be spend climbing or caving, and those that aren't can be used mastering the bash shell or learning Java.
3.0. Is it true that one of the directors of the MPIAA was able to use a vending machine?
No, that is urban legend. The sort of technical background required to insert some coins and press a button matching one's preference is well outside the scope of their abilities. However, they are working on a type of can that can only be opened if it is dispensed from a vending machine. This will prevent copying, they feel.